Wednesday, January 11, 2012

In dire need of....

I know I said I hate long-emo-whining-posts on blogs, but I am in dire need of writing this down.

I've been having thoughts quite a lot lately.

About how to face the  uncertain future?
The ever-so-unsuccessful-love-life.
Where is the circle of friends?
the deep thinking of where do I stand in my iman (religion)?

I don't know. Living in KDU has made me turn into an emo shite I guess. The pressure from every side, every angle of college life is getting to me. Not that I lost my grip, THANK GOD I get to keep my sanity. It's not the usual pressure where you-have-to-stay-in-to-study-while-your-friends-get-to-have-all-the-fun-type of pressure. It's more to mental exhaustion. I still could keep up with pressure on studies and all. But I no longer want to be in KDU as much as I used to. Just 6 more months and I'm done! Truth be told, I feel like KDU is just a 'drop-by' place. 2 years period of a drop-by. (BM translation : tempat persinggahan) Not a place I look forward to stay. Well, maybe yes, I'll miss the people and environment once I'm done, but not the experience there. Why am I being so negative? I don't know. But I hate this feeling. Something has to be done.

I could say this one has a little bit of funny-ness inside. Haha. Maybe the fact that many people surrounding me, especially my age, is engaged soon to be married that has pushed me into messing up my mind with this thought. Blergh. No, don't get me wrong. It's not like I feel urged to get married soon or what. No no no. Never crossed my mind, never been in my 5 years plan. At first, when I start to think of these things, I wanted a stable (at least ) real relationship. You know, the boyfriend girlfriend thingy, serious but with no ties. But after some further thoughts, I don't really mind. I'm not in a hurry to find a partner. But sometimes, it crosses my mind, why can't I find someone that I could finally be in love, for real? Where is he? You know, the last time I think I was almost in love was when I was 16. My first love, Izdiyad Fathullah. He was my first. And those who has experienced first love, you know that palpitating heartbeat, head rush, cant breathe kinda feeling? Yeah, that was the last time I really felt that way. And I dont think it was a real love, considering I got over him so soon, I think I was just excited to the idea of having a boyfriend (incest, infatuation). But all of these events, made me think, why do I get to meet many interesting guys,but don't get to meet 'him'? It's either I feel too comfortable with a guy that I friend-zoned him or I have trust issues with the guy or I'm plainly afraid to take risks (I hate the last one the most, I keep taking the U-turn road). To Allah, I leave this matter.

I feel so lucky because I'm blessed to meet and to be close with so many interesting people here in KDU, that eventually it kinda affects my relationship with my friends back in hometown. We rarely talk to each other nowadays, let alone meet. Most of it due to schedule clashes. This worries me though. And now I have to put most of my strength, focus, interests ( I might as well say a big portion of my life) onto my studies, that I dont go back home as much as I did to meet them. Argh. What will happen to us once I (insya Allah, if God wills) go to UK? Will we get to keep this unsinkable friendship? Or will it fades away with time?

Growing up and growing away from home has given me a challenge, BIG TIME. Back at home, I have my parents to remind me to be close to Allah. But here, I have to constantly remind myself. And it's hard when you live in the heart of the city, with your friends,with all the fun and freedom you could have. I can feel the distance between Allah and I. I hate it. I miss the relationship that I had with him. So serene,so feel protected. I do realise sometimes that I have strayed from His path. But I tend to do it again. I have longed for a journey of soul-searching, a journey to find Him, to find His blessings again. I pray to Him that He isn't mad for forgetting to remember Him. Ya Rabb, Ya Karim, in you I lay my faith, my soul, and my life.

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